Things have been a bit rough lately. Shortly after my grandmother's funeral life seemed more peaceful than it had been in several months, but that lasted only a few weeks. Occasionally, God tells me to do hard things. They're things that wouldn't be that difficult for some people, but they're very difficult for me. I was determined that, this time, I would be humble and obedient and optimistic, and not worry about the possibility of my efforts blowing up in my face like they have in the past. But that's easier said than done. It's really hard to be continually faithful and not to doubt Heavenly Father's will for my happiness when he tells me to put myself in vulnerable situations that I don't see any resolution to other than my getting hurt. Lately, even though I've been doing my best, I felt distanced from my Heavenly Father.
Sunday in church, I had the oddest feeling--I felt close to the Savior, but not to Heavenly Father. I was very grateful for the Savior's love, however. More and more, I am continually aware of the Atonement as my lifeline. That odd feeling didn't last though, because there is nothing that can make you feel God's love more than a Primary Program. This was the first Primary Program I had seen in twelve years, and it was amazing to see the efforts and enthusiasm of those children. One would have to have a very hard heart to not feel the love of God during a program like that.
Even after that though, I was feeling down. I couldn't pinpoint a specific reason other than that the impression I had several weeks ago, while not particularly hard in itself, just re-opened the wound of my wishing life was a little different than it is. I've worked very hard on being content with being single and finding joy in a variety of things in life. Lately, I've felt like Heavenly Father just wanted to rub it in how lonely I was, and not let me be content with my life. I know that's a narrow-minded, immature way to look at it. It's so easy to see yourself as a victim when Heavenly Father really just wants to help you grow, and thus expand your capacity for happiness.
It made me think about what my purpose, or purposes, are in life. What makes me feel like I matter, and that I am using this time for good use. I realized that I had stopped assigning value to those, because I was focusing (mostly stressing) about what I most recently felt impressed to work on. That meant that if I wasn't making good progress, then I felt purposeless and crushed. It finally occurred to me that while the Lord does give us specific things to do from time to time, we don't need to tie our self-worth to how well they appear to be going. I have many purposes in life, many ways that I can make progress and make my life matter. There are always going to be setbacks with some of them, but those setbacks don't need to throw me into a crisis, because I am trying to do many good things.
My roommate also helped a lot by suggesting I read Neal A. Maxwell's 1985 talk, "Willing to Submit." I might even say that this talk changed my life. It struck on so many of the exact struggles I've been dealing with. I've never in my life heard a talk that spoke to me so acutely. He talks about submitting to and having faith in the will of the Lord, even when we don't understand why, or how, or what will come of it. It was comforting to realized that, as in 1 Nephi 11:17, even Nephi didn't know the meaning of all things, but he knew that God loves his children. Nephi had as good a reason as anyone to doubt God's love for him, but he didn't. He was so faithful. I can be, too. It's okay to just be doing something to learn. It's okay to be vulnerable, and it's okay to fail, even when it hurts. It's okay for things to not have a tangibly positive result.
The core principle is this: "Just as the capacity to defer gratification is a sign of real maturity, likewise the willingness to wait for deferred explanation is a sign of real faith and of trust spread over time."
I want to have the kind of faith that waits for a deferred explanation. Right now is a good time for me to strive for it.
Sunday in church, I had the oddest feeling--I felt close to the Savior, but not to Heavenly Father. I was very grateful for the Savior's love, however. More and more, I am continually aware of the Atonement as my lifeline. That odd feeling didn't last though, because there is nothing that can make you feel God's love more than a Primary Program. This was the first Primary Program I had seen in twelve years, and it was amazing to see the efforts and enthusiasm of those children. One would have to have a very hard heart to not feel the love of God during a program like that.
Even after that though, I was feeling down. I couldn't pinpoint a specific reason other than that the impression I had several weeks ago, while not particularly hard in itself, just re-opened the wound of my wishing life was a little different than it is. I've worked very hard on being content with being single and finding joy in a variety of things in life. Lately, I've felt like Heavenly Father just wanted to rub it in how lonely I was, and not let me be content with my life. I know that's a narrow-minded, immature way to look at it. It's so easy to see yourself as a victim when Heavenly Father really just wants to help you grow, and thus expand your capacity for happiness.
It made me think about what my purpose, or purposes, are in life. What makes me feel like I matter, and that I am using this time for good use. I realized that I had stopped assigning value to those, because I was focusing (mostly stressing) about what I most recently felt impressed to work on. That meant that if I wasn't making good progress, then I felt purposeless and crushed. It finally occurred to me that while the Lord does give us specific things to do from time to time, we don't need to tie our self-worth to how well they appear to be going. I have many purposes in life, many ways that I can make progress and make my life matter. There are always going to be setbacks with some of them, but those setbacks don't need to throw me into a crisis, because I am trying to do many good things.
My roommate also helped a lot by suggesting I read Neal A. Maxwell's 1985 talk, "Willing to Submit." I might even say that this talk changed my life. It struck on so many of the exact struggles I've been dealing with. I've never in my life heard a talk that spoke to me so acutely. He talks about submitting to and having faith in the will of the Lord, even when we don't understand why, or how, or what will come of it. It was comforting to realized that, as in 1 Nephi 11:17, even Nephi didn't know the meaning of all things, but he knew that God loves his children. Nephi had as good a reason as anyone to doubt God's love for him, but he didn't. He was so faithful. I can be, too. It's okay to just be doing something to learn. It's okay to be vulnerable, and it's okay to fail, even when it hurts. It's okay for things to not have a tangibly positive result.
The core principle is this: "Just as the capacity to defer gratification is a sign of real maturity, likewise the willingness to wait for deferred explanation is a sign of real faith and of trust spread over time."
I want to have the kind of faith that waits for a deferred explanation. Right now is a good time for me to strive for it.
Mel,
ReplyDeleteThis was great....it helped me!
I'm glad you liked the talk :)